I felt the need to post something that’s weighing heavily on my mind.
On Saturday, my cousin got married. My family wasn’t invited. Now, I’m not really surprised that we weren’t invited, but the whole weekend just conjured up all these feelings of sadness. Here’s the back-story: My dad and his brother were probably as close as brothers get. They grew up causing trouble together and then working at the family business. Eventually, they knew, the business would be theirs and they would be partners in crime (and in business) for the rest of their lives. They’d get to spend every day together, pissing each other off but having fun all at the same time. Supporting their families and growing old together. Then, 14 years ago, my dad’s brother, my uncle, died unexpectedly. And the world came crashing down.
After my uncle died, my dad was a different person. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still the amazing daddy that I always knew him as, but a piece of him was missing and there will forever be a little less light in his eyes and a pain that you will always be able to see. It makes me sad knowing that, now, instead of owning the business with his brother, my father owns the business by himself. He hates going to work everyday. Maybe it would still be the same even if my uncle was still around, but I have a feeling the hard times would be a little less hard if they had each other to lean on.
So, my uncle has two children - a boy and a girl. Before his death our families were generally close. They lived in a development across the street from ours and my dad and I often took bike rides over to their house. Every Sunday, without fail, my uncle would knock on our back door and tell my dad to get his ass outside for them to embark on some crazy project. These are the things that I remember vividly. What I don’t remember as clearly, is when/how the relationship between my family and his went completely downhill following his death. All I know is that within two years, his wife was remarried and had moved the family across town to some new nice big house. Thus, we rarely saw my cousins anymore. Apparently my boy cousin thought that my dad should have done something differently. Sometime within the past 5 years he told my dad that he was basically a horrible person and should have been there for him when his father died. Like I said, I don’t really remember what my dad was like directly following his brother’s death. I do remember him crying more often and acting like he was in a daze, and I do remember him going over to my uncles house and helping get various things in order - selling his brother's car, etc. However, I have a feeling that a lot of the separation was due to my cousin’s mother pushing my family away. She got remarried so quickly and moved clear across town and really stopped communicating with us all together. Additionally, I don’t think my cousin really realizes the magnitude of impact that my uncle’s death had on my father. He lost his very best friend in the entire world. Someone he grew up with, spent countless hours with and who he thought was going to be around until they had a chance to grow old and gray. Yes, my cousin lost his father and I cannot imagine how horrible that feeling is, but I think he was a little selfish to think that he was the only one going through a hard time and that he was so young so the events might not have developed the way he thought that they did. Who knows, I just know that the conversation between my cousin and my father basically sealed the deal for our families to stop communicating completely. I have not seen my cousins in a long long time.
That brings me back to this weekend. My cousin got married and we weren’t invited. My cousin’s wife posted a video that a friend compiled for her and I damn near lost it. The video has a few pictures of my cousin with his father and it really just makes me so sad. I sat a cried for a bit this morning, wondering how different all our lives might be if my uncle was still alive. I was only in 4th grade when he died, and I know I was the one who knew him for the least amount of time, and I am I so jealous of all the people who got to spend more years with him. I feel sad for my father, I feel sad for my cousins and I feel sad for my family. I wish he could be around today - I wish he could have been around to watch his son walk down the aisle. I wish we all could have been together to celebrate it as a happy family - the way that my uncle and father always thought their lives would be…
I’m sorry for posting such a heavy post on a Monday morning, but I just needed to get it out and I’m not sure where else or to whom else I could tell this all to.
In loving memory
<3SK<3
5/20/1997
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