I'm Angry at Myself

So much has happened since the last time that I posted here. For one thing, I had an AMAZING vacation to Florida. However, my WLJ has completely derailed since then. I finished the semester generally maintaining my weight and I was only up about 8 pounds at the end of May. Not ideal, but do-able. I had so much going on - final exams, graduation, apartment hunting, and beginning my studies for the bar exam. WW went completely out the window.

I went back to WW last Sunday. I hung my head in shame and walked into the meeting center. It was such a sad feeling for me because I love WW. I love my WW leader and I love going to WW meetings. But I hadn't been able to bring myself to attend one since the week after Easter. Even then, I didn't weigh in, my leader wasn't there that week and I left feeling deflated. So, the past few months have just been a big mess. I've not been watching what I'm eating and I do NO ACTIVITY because I am studying for the Bar Exam (which is in less than three weeks, I might add...stress city!). I am weighing in tomorrow. I'm going to tell the receptionist to just record the weight and not let me know what I already know - I am up nearly 20 pounds since I left for vacation the first week in March. How gross is that? How did I let that happen? Not only have I taken a HUGE step backwards, I am no where near where I wanted to be when I started this journey last year.

Listen, I know it's NOT the end of the world and that I CAN and WILL get all this weight off and then some, but it's just so...annoying. I hate playing the pity game but I get so frustrated seeing all the women who are thin and perfect and comfortable. Here I sit at 25 years old and I'm miserable. I hate tying my weight to my self worth, but I would love to be able to pick out an outfit and not have to base my decision on what will cover my imperfections and what will slim me down and what will cover this and hide that and whether the stomach area is flowy enough or whether the pants (I don't wear shorts) look nice enough. I know, even when (not if) I get to my goal weight, I might still have insecurities and I might still compare myself to others, but at least I will always have the reminder of what it feels like to be this big and how I feel right now. I will not feel this way when I am 135 pounds. And if I do, I want someone to either slap some sense into me, or encourage me to see a therapist!

Anyway, I am happy that I had the courage to come here and confess to my blog that I have gone in a direction that I didn't want to go. I am seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen since SEPTEMBER (this is not a good thing) and that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start trucking back in the right direction. It's going to be a hard hill to climb, but I know I can do it.