Body Image

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Confession: I used to be thin. [See Pictures]

It’s funny, and remarkable, that I can say those words. Had you asked me what I thought about myself then, I would have told you about all my imperfections. I would have told you that my thighs were too big, my arms weren’t that small, my tummy wasn’t flat and my face would be prettier if it was thinner. Now, I look at those same pictures and Imarvel at how incredibly thin and beautiful I was. I regret not understanding or realizing my beauty at that time. I wish I could go back and tell myself that my thighs were shapely, my arms were perfect and my tummy was flat enough to wear [and look good in] a bikini. Why couldn’t I see these things when I was thin? Why did I only see a moose in the mirror?

Body dysmorphic disorder is defined by Wikipedia as a disorder that is “generally diagnosed in those who are extremely critical of their mirror image, physique or self-image, even though there may be no noticeable disfigurement or defect.” Now, I understand that BDD is a very serious disorder that I likely did not suffer from, but I can relate with those feelings of inadequacy and failure. I wasn’t tall and thin like my sister [even though there was a time during my weight loss journey that I was actually thinner than my model-gorgeous sister, I still saw myself as the fat sister]. I think that perhaps I have some version of this disorder inside of me. Sure, we can say that no woman ever feels comfortable in her skin, but I don’t think I completely buy that. I think that there are many women who are thin and gorgeous and know it, flaunt it and embrace it. I know it is all relative, but I am still amazed that when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see the girl that should have been confident and content with herself.

It’s hard for me to sit here and look back at those pictures because it is an unfriendly reminder of the skinny me that I wasted. The skinny me that I ate away. Now, I would do anything to be the skinny me I see in those photos and I can only hope that this will be the last time that I make the journey and reach the finish line.

Today at the beginning of my Weight Watchers meeting, a woman who works for corporate spoke to us about the possibility of working for WW. To be honest, when I first started my journey I wanted to lose the weight and become a WW receptionist. I wanted to be in that environment. After my first successful loss [for more information on my WLJ, see About Me] I kept telling myself that I should go in and find out about becoming a receptionist, but it never happened. I have to say that I think that my ultimate goal is to reach my goal weight and either become a receptionist or even a leader for WW. I feel that, if I can really do it this time, I want to pass the knowledge of my struggles and the insight of my success on to other people who are traveling down a road that I have paced for several years. So, to the WW lady that was at my meeting today, wherever you are, please let this serve as my promise that when I reach my goal weight, I will be sure to march my skinny tush to someone who will hire me as a WW receptionist or leader.

With that, I leave you with this:

“Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about.”