30 Day Challenge - Condensed

I started the 30 Day Challenge on Tumblr, but sadly never finished it. Here's a reproduction of the days that I DID do - this was all posted on Tumblr sometime during the summer - probably from June-July.

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

Day 1 - Your Stats?

HW/SW: 234.0

CW: 230.2

UGW: 135.0

I know that 135 seems like such a far way off, but 135 is right in the middle of my healthy weight range for my height. I feel like this will be a good point to be at, but I would honestly probably be happy at 145 or even 150. Only time can tell!

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 - How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I am 5’4. I am okay with my height. A few more inches wouldn’t hurt, but I’ve never found myself wishing that I was taller.

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

Day 3 - A picture of your thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?

This is me…in 2005. Things I love about this picture and why it’s my thinsperation:

1. It’s me.
2. You can see my neck bones/collarbone
3. My face looks thin - no double chin
4. My arms look great
5. My boobs look nice
6. I am tan
7. I AM THIN!

I find this to be incredibly more inspiring than any picture of some random model/skinny person from a magazine. Am I a size 0 in this picture? No. Do I think I will ever be a size 0? Absolutely not. I use this as inspiration because I know that it is an attainable goal and that I can, if I put my mind to it, look like this again.

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

Day 4 - What are your greatest fears about weight loss?

Naturally, I think my greatest fear is failure. I’ve been down this road before and I have been successful once [a long time ago], but I have also failed in many attempts over the past 6 years. I am thinking and feeling that this time is different. This is the time. Maybe it’s because I realize that I only have one year of school left before I enter the real world. Maybe it’s because in the back of my mind I think that my boyfriend and I might get engaged next year [we’ve been together 7.5 years and we’ve always said engagement/marriage would come after I finished school], and I want to look good and feelcomfortable in any engagement photos and subsequent wedding photos.

I just know that the time to work towards ‘thin’ is now, and I’m in control and making it happen.

30 Day Challenge - Days 5 & 6

I got a little sidetracked this weekend and missed a day - so I’m going to try and get in days 5 & 6 before midnight.

Day 5 - Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

I really want to lose this weight because I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be able to go out of the house without feeling uncomfortable. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I am absolutely doing this for me.

Day 6 - Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Simple answer - no, I don’t binge. I am doing this the healthy way. Even before I was actively working on losing weight, I would eat fattening foods and make unhealthy choices, but I wouldn’t consider anything that I did “binging.”

30 Day Challenge - Days 7&8

Day 7 - Do your parents know you are trying to lose weight? Do they care?

Yes, my parents and most people I talk to know that I am trying to lose weight. I have no shame in telling people that I want to slim down and be happier and healthier. I know that my parents care - they want me to be happy and healthy too. The first time I did Weight Watchers back in high school my mom actually did it with me. Myparents are super supportive and I want to make them proud by slimming down to a healthy and more normal weight.

Day 8 - Your Workout Routine.

I don’t have a workout routine. I’m still trying to get into the swing of things and I have been to the gym a few times but I still need to arrange a regular schedule. I know that exercise is an important part of my weight loss journey, so I’m hoping to get into a routine sometime very soon.

30 Day Challenge - Day 9

So, I have been slacking a little in keeping my blog up to date. This past week was really busy at work, and I just haven’t had a chance to come on here. Because of this, I’m just going to continue my 30 day challenge as if it is still day 9 (even though I missed a bunch in between).

Day 9 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

I could probably write a book on this, but I won’t. It all started back in elementary school when I wasn’t even that big - I wasn’t even overweight, but mean little boys began calling me mean names related to my weight. I think one of their favorite names for me was ”earthquake.” Honestly, I let it bother me for a long time but I can say that I’ve gotten over it. There was, however, an incident a few months ago that I have not gotten over. It will probably take a while for me to get past it, but it also continues to be a huge ‘motivation’ factor in my weight loss. I actually blogged about it on my WW blog and titled it “Sticks and Stones” - I’m just going to copy and paste it here:

“Ugh. Where do I even begin. I am a long time WW’er who was once extremely successful on this program and at my goal weight. Enter college, enter college drama, enter law school…I’ve been on and off WW for the past 6 years and right now I am at my highest weight ever.

It’s not hard for me to admit that, and it’s not hard for me to admit that the only person I have to blame is myself. It stings when I find myself having to buy larger clothing instead of smaller, bigger bras, etc. It stings that I no longer feel comfortable in my own body and I refuse to allow people to take pictures of me and I am just generally extremely unhappy. I have conversations with my mom about how I know what I need to do - and I do - I have all the tools, I know the program, and I know how to follow it. I’ve just had a hard time getting back on the wagon - after having such an easy time losing the first time I was on WW, I haven’t everbeen able to achieve the same success.

After all this I don’t think I’ve ever had that ‘all time low’ feeling. I though I had, but I can honestly say that tonight was my all time low.

My boyfriend is a hockey player and he’s injured right now but we still went to the game to support his team. Now, mind you, this is an adult men’s league (not the NHL ha). There were some fans for the other team that were being incredibly obnoxious and yelling and saying that the refs were blowing the game etc. etc. Then, one girl said something like “You’re a grown man shut your mouth” to one of the refs. So, of course I, against my better judgment, decided to say “Well, you’re a grown woman, so you’re just as bad as he is..” Maybe I brought it on myself and maybe I deserved it, but when she turned around and called me a fat ass, I think it was the worst feeling in the world.

So as my blog name suggests, I really can’t agree that words will never hurt me. I think that words are the most hurtful thing in the world, and I think I need to really start rethinking my goals and try to figure this out. I need to stop making excuses, I need to start following the plan instead of pretending, I need to go back to themeetings and I need to do it for myself and my integrity and to ensure that I don’t allow another stupid girl to make me feel like total and complete garbage.”

It’s been a few months since I wrote that post, and I can’t believe how different my world is now. I did go back to the meetings, I did get back on track and I have been more successful on the program now than I have been in 6 years. Granted, I still have a long way to go, but I have lost weight every week and I am following the plan, tracking points and feeling better about myself and my choices. So, Day 9, yes, people have made comments to me about my weight, but I am well on my way to changing that. Hey, maybe one day someone will tell me I look skinny…

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

Woo! I’m actually posting for two consecutive days.

Day 11 - What is your favorite “thinspiration” blog and why?

I’m going to be vain and say that my favorite thinspiration blog is my own. I find that having the opportunity to come and write about my feelings, my struggles, my thoughts and my goals is incredibly helpful for my WLJ. In the past, I have started and stopped a few blogs pertaining to my weight loss, and I feel that if I had been invested in those blogs as I am in this one, my WLJ might have been different and more successful.

And now, a history of my “journies” with journals and blogs…When I was younger, I had a mini black binder that I used as a “journal.” I think I started writing in it in middle school. I wrote about everything - fights with my parents, fights with my friends, happy days, sad days, etc. I used that little black binder well into high school. It became a close friend when I started dating Darryl - especially since my parents were against our relationship and didn’t let us see each other for the first four months of it (that’s a whole other blog post - needless to say, we have been together for over seven and a half years and I’m pretty sure my parents like him more than me now..). A few years ago I stumbled on my little black binder - read it cover to cover, and then destroyed all the entries except for the final entry where I declared that I was finally writing about something happy and positive. At that moment, I decided that my past is my past and it lives in my memory. I didn’t need a little black binder full of negativity in my life, so I destroyed it.

I’ve always loved to write and I know I need to have a blog to keep me motivated, but I try (and I think I have been successful) to only write entries that are either entirely positive or, at the very least, end on a positive note. It is important to recognize the negative things, but it is even more important not to dwell on that negativity and, instead, to look for a positive solution or thought to end the post. It brings me back to my days working as a head resident assistant where we were constantly told to approach problems with the RAs that we supervised by using a “compliment sandwich.” Basically, this means opening the conversation with something positive that the RA does, then giving the criticism, and ending with a positive way to reach a solution and/or another positive aspect of their abilities. This way, the RA would know what needed work, but wouldn’t be left with a sour taste in his/her mouth. I feel like I need to approach my blog and my weight loss the same way. Constant negativity is not going to be effective for me.

In addition to my little black binder, I also had a live journal. That journal still lives in the interwebs, and every now and then I log on to see what my life was like during my early years of high school. It’s fun to laugh at the things that worried me and see how silly some of the things I did were. One of these days I will probably delete that journal and store those memories in a filing cabinet in my brain, just like I’ve stored that little black binder.

Keep On Keeping On

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Today was a good day. I’ve felt so much more “into” WW this time around. It’s a little hard right now to reach my daily points target, but I get there and I do so healthily. [I don’t cram candy bars to make up the extra points! I drink milk or have a healthy snack to help reach that goal] I didn’t go to the gym today…there is too much stuff that I need to do around the apartment so I chose to do it tonight. I also want to try the whole going to the gym in the morning thing. I have a hard time waking up until the last possible moment that I can get up without being late, but I think I need to build gym time into it so that I don’t have to make time to go to the gym when I get home after 7pm.

I’m so inspired by some of the women I see on the WW Boards as well as on tumblr. The healthy weight loss blogs blow my mind and the WWers offer a source of continued therapy. I love my WW meeting on Sundays, but I used to feel so great right after the meeting and motivated but the motivation would wear off quickly. Having the boards as a tool and now my blog as a tool really helps keep me aware of the fact that I am on a new path to healthy.

I really don’t have much else on my mind right now, sorry for the boring blog post. Perhaps I will come up with something else later and add another entry. Thinking thin thoughts. :)

Never give up on a dream because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway...

It's All About ME

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Today I was selfish.

Darryl was defrosting steaks for dinner but I was planning on going to the gym when I got home from work since I didn’t go this morning. This is my first day easing back into exercise and I didn’t want to let myself down. So I told Darryl that when I got home from work at 7:00 I was going to change and go to the gym for a half hour. I told him that he could eat his steak without me or he could wait. In the past I would have probably said “Well, I shouldn’t make Darryl wait to eat so I’ll just eat when I get home from work and skip the gym.” I need to be selfish if I want my weight loss journey to work. I need to think about my needs and my goals in order to keep myself on track.

I thought about starting “Couch to 5K” today but I decided that I need to get myself back into some kind of workout routine/some kind of better shape before I start tackling all that running. Even when I was thin I despised running, so I think jumping right into it [even though I should theoretically be able to jump in since it’s called couch to 5k] would be a bad idea. I need to let my body adjust to the extra activity and motivate myself to hit the gym before I think about starting a program. I guess I just don’t want to ‘fail,’ so I will wait to start. We’ll see what working out does for my WI on Sunday and then I will decide if I should start C25K next Monday.

I started following a few new blogs today and gained a few followers myself. While I am happy that there are so many people who are dedicated to making a change in their lives and who are on the road to healthy weight-loss, I was astounded by the number of blogs dedicated to, seemingly, anorexia. Girls that are completely obsessed with bone-thin pictures and dedicating their lives to becoming bone thin. Now, I am not a psychologist and I don’t know the circumstances surrounding anyone else’s weight loss journey except for my own, but I feel like the point where a diet turns into an obsession and then from an obsession into a disease is a thin line that way too many people are crossing. It’s scary that much of this obsession likely has to do with the media image that is presented to us…but that’s a whole other topic that I’m not ready to breach.

I’m not trying to be mean or trying to dictate what other people should do, but I am legitimately sad and scared for all the girls and women who are so obsessed with becoming rail thin that they will do literally anything to get there. I have a close family friend who “suffered” [I use the quotes because, technically, she will always be battling this disease] from anorexia and she nearly died. I know I can’t prevent it, but I don’t like the thought of anyone else going through that.

Ok, I’ll step off my soap box now.

I think I am going to start tracking my measurements along with my weight loss so that I can [hopefully] see the inches change even if the scale is slow moving. I think I will start tonight and then measure every two weeks. I think I will also take a photo before measuring every week and keep that for my own personal visual reference of my shrinking body. I will try to wear the same outfit in every photo so I can see how the clothes begin to fit differently. Maybe one day, when my WLJ is nearing completion, I will post the pictures for others to see. Now this is another goal for me: be thin enough to show the world what I used to look like and how my body has changed. Ready, GO!

Body Image

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Confession: I used to be thin. [See Pictures]

It’s funny, and remarkable, that I can say those words. Had you asked me what I thought about myself then, I would have told you about all my imperfections. I would have told you that my thighs were too big, my arms weren’t that small, my tummy wasn’t flat and my face would be prettier if it was thinner. Now, I look at those same pictures and Imarvel at how incredibly thin and beautiful I was. I regret not understanding or realizing my beauty at that time. I wish I could go back and tell myself that my thighs were shapely, my arms were perfect and my tummy was flat enough to wear [and look good in] a bikini. Why couldn’t I see these things when I was thin? Why did I only see a moose in the mirror?

Body dysmorphic disorder is defined by Wikipedia as a disorder that is “generally diagnosed in those who are extremely critical of their mirror image, physique or self-image, even though there may be no noticeable disfigurement or defect.” Now, I understand that BDD is a very serious disorder that I likely did not suffer from, but I can relate with those feelings of inadequacy and failure. I wasn’t tall and thin like my sister [even though there was a time during my weight loss journey that I was actually thinner than my model-gorgeous sister, I still saw myself as the fat sister]. I think that perhaps I have some version of this disorder inside of me. Sure, we can say that no woman ever feels comfortable in her skin, but I don’t think I completely buy that. I think that there are many women who are thin and gorgeous and know it, flaunt it and embrace it. I know it is all relative, but I am still amazed that when I looked in the mirror I didn’t see the girl that should have been confident and content with herself.

It’s hard for me to sit here and look back at those pictures because it is an unfriendly reminder of the skinny me that I wasted. The skinny me that I ate away. Now, I would do anything to be the skinny me I see in those photos and I can only hope that this will be the last time that I make the journey and reach the finish line.

Today at the beginning of my Weight Watchers meeting, a woman who works for corporate spoke to us about the possibility of working for WW. To be honest, when I first started my journey I wanted to lose the weight and become a WW receptionist. I wanted to be in that environment. After my first successful loss [for more information on my WLJ, see About Me] I kept telling myself that I should go in and find out about becoming a receptionist, but it never happened. I have to say that I think that my ultimate goal is to reach my goal weight and either become a receptionist or even a leader for WW. I feel that, if I can really do it this time, I want to pass the knowledge of my struggles and the insight of my success on to other people who are traveling down a road that I have paced for several years. So, to the WW lady that was at my meeting today, wherever you are, please let this serve as my promise that when I reach my goal weight, I will be sure to march my skinny tush to someone who will hire me as a WW receptionist or leader.

With that, I leave you with this:

“Be specific in what you want, and use specific words. Empower yourself, and become the person you dream about.”

If I Run...

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Will you run after me?

I used this title in my blog before I switched over to tumblr, but this song is just so powerful so I had to re-use the title. I posted the music video below for “If I Run” by the Harters. What and incredibly amazing song - the words and the message are just so amazing. I see this being used as a wedding song for many many people!

Anyway. Today I went to Best Buy and got my dad a Kindle for Father’s Day, along with a case for the Kindle. I am actually starting to think that I might want a Kindle for myself as well - but let’s see how my dad likes it before I decide I want one. I was concerned initially about the ability to share books - my family reads A LOT and we just trade books with one another when we finish. With the Kindle, the book needs to be “lendable” and then it can only be leant (lended? lent?) for 14 days. This is not ideal for my family. However, I thought that if I have a Kindle, my Dad has a Kindle, my Mom has a Kindle, and my sister has a Kindle, we can physically swap Kindles when we want to read a book that the other has. I know this is not the best idea, but I think it would work for us. Who knows, I guess we will find out once I decide if I even want one!

In other news, after Best Buy I went to Stop & Shop and got some sushi for dinner (I need to splurge and get some REAL sushi one of these days, not supermarket sushi, though the kind at Stop & Shop is pretty good) a pineapple, bananas and tomatoes. I came home and made the bruschetta from skinny taste to bring to my parents house tomorrow. It is seriously the best bruschetta I have EVER had. Nom nom nom.

Now I am waiting for Darryl to come home from work. I’ll probably head to bed early and then wake early for my week three weigh in tomorrow. Hopefully all goes well and I am down again. I will post my results tomorrow! Goodnight Moon.

Originally Posted to Tumblr - 8 Months Ago

In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt