Heavy Monday

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

I felt the need to post something that’s weighing heavily on my mind.

On Saturday, my cousin got married. My family wasn’t invited. Now, I’m not really surprised that we weren’t invited, but the whole weekend just conjured up all these feelings of sadness. Here’s the back-story: My dad and his brother were probably as close as brothers get. They grew up causing trouble together and then working at the family business. Eventually, they knew, the business would be theirs and they would be partners in crime (and in business) for the rest of their lives. They’d get to spend every day together, pissing each other off but having fun all at the same time. Supporting their families and growing old together. Then, 14 years ago, my dad’s brother, my uncle, died unexpectedly. And the world came crashing down.

After my uncle died, my dad was a different person. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still the amazing daddy that I always knew him as, but a piece of him was missing and there will forever be a little less light in his eyes and a pain that you will always be able to see. It makes me sad knowing that, now, instead of owning the business with his brother, my father owns the business by himself. He hates going to work everyday. Maybe it would still be the same even if my uncle was still around, but I have a feeling the hard times would be a little less hard if they had each other to lean on.

So, my uncle has two children - a boy and a girl. Before his death our families were generally close. They lived in a development across the street from ours and my dad and I often took bike rides over to their house. Every Sunday, without fail, my uncle would knock on our back door and tell my dad to get his ass outside for them to embark on some crazy project. These are the things that I remember vividly. What I don’t remember as clearly, is when/how the relationship between my family and his went completely downhill following his death. All I know is that within two years, his wife was remarried and had moved the family across town to some new nice big house. Thus, we rarely saw my cousins anymore. Apparently my boy cousin thought that my dad should have done something differently. Sometime within the past 5 years he told my dad that he was basically a horrible person and should have been there for him when his father died. Like I said, I don’t really remember what my dad was like directly following his brother’s death. I do remember him crying more often and acting like he was in a daze, and I do remember him going over to my uncles house and helping get various things in order - selling his brother's car, etc. However, I have a feeling that a lot of the separation was due to my cousin’s mother pushing my family away. She got remarried so quickly and moved clear across town and really stopped communicating with us all together. Additionally, I don’t think my cousin really realizes the magnitude of impact that my uncle’s death had on my father. He lost his very best friend in the entire world. Someone he grew up with, spent countless hours with and who he thought was going to be around until they had a chance to grow old and gray. Yes, my cousin lost his father and I cannot imagine how horrible that feeling is, but I think he was a little selfish to think that he was the only one going through a hard time and that he was so young so the events might not have developed the way he thought that they did. Who knows, I just know that the conversation between my cousin and my father basically sealed the deal for our families to stop communicating completely. I have not seen my cousins in a long long time.

That brings me back to this weekend. My cousin got married and we weren’t invited. My cousin’s wife posted a video that a friend compiled for her and I damn near lost it. The video has a few pictures of my cousin with his father and it really just makes me so sad. I sat a cried for a bit this morning, wondering how different all our lives might be if my uncle was still alive. I was only in 4th grade when he died, and I know I was the one who knew him for the least amount of time, and I am I so jealous of all the people who got to spend more years with him. I feel sad for my father, I feel sad for my cousins and I feel sad for my family. I wish he could be around today - I wish he could have been around to watch his son walk down the aisle. I wish we all could have been together to celebrate it as a happy family - the way that my uncle and father always thought their lives would be…

I’m sorry for posting such a heavy post on a Monday morning, but I just needed to get it out and I’m not sure where else or to whom else I could tell this all to.

In loving memory

<3SK<3

5/20/1997

Exercise

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Exercise is my arch-enemy. An evil little bug sitting on my shoulder. I find exercise to be incredibly boring. I plan to go to the gym, I set my alarm for an early enough time to get to the gym, but I find myself hitting the snooze button instead of getting up and going. I sleep in my gym clothes, I tell myself I NEED to exercise if I want to be successful (I actually got semi-into working out the second time I lost weight on WW, but I have no idea how/why I liked it then and hate it now.) I love riding my bike with my Dad, but I don’t live at home anymore. I love swimming, but I will not put a bathing suit on when there are other people around. Every Sunday my family has family friends over at my parents house where everyone swims and hangs out. I sit out of the swimming part. If it wasn’t such a schlep to my parents house, I’d go over on week nights and swim laps. I know what I want to do at the gym, it’s just getting the motivation to actually walk my ass down to the 2nd floor gym that just seems to be impossible.

So, what do you use for motivation to go to the gym? What tips can you give me?

Pardon My Language

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Looking back at pictures from when I lost weight senior year of high school and comparing them to the [very few] pictures I have of me now is fucking depressing. How the fuck did I let myself get here? What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously, I should have just taped my mouth shut. It’s disgusting. I thought I was FAT when I was 145 pounds, now, I would KILL to be 145. Ugh. Just ugh.

In the past, I would start WW, realize how long it was going to take and how hard it is to take it week by week and understand that even the smallest losses were still losses, and then i would quit. This time, I need to make it stick. Repeat after me: A loss is a loss. I will likely not lose weight every week. THIS IS OK. It’s a marathon, not a race. Most importantly: YOU CAN DO IT, YOU WILL DO IT.

I’m not sure what really brought that on…I really think it’s just the looking at the pictures from when I was thin and my continued frustration with myself for letting my body grow and grow and grow. I’ve been doing well with putting these thoughts behind me and focusing on the here and now and the future, but sometimes the little thoughts creep back into my head where I can’t see myself as anything but a complete failure in terms of taking care of my body.

I’m not going to use this as a place to sit and write down everything I ate today [I use my WW Points + Tracker for that] and I’m not going to re-blog pictures of skinny girls because I don’t find that inspiring. I don’t mind if you find that inspiring, it’s just not my thing. I’m never going to look like them - everyone’s body is different.

I just want to look like me…95 pounds thinner. Is that so much to ask?

30 Day Challenge - Condensed

I started the 30 Day Challenge on Tumblr, but sadly never finished it. Here's a reproduction of the days that I DID do - this was all posted on Tumblr sometime during the summer - probably from June-July.

30 Day Challenge - Day 1

Day 1 - Your Stats?

HW/SW: 234.0

CW: 230.2

UGW: 135.0

I know that 135 seems like such a far way off, but 135 is right in the middle of my healthy weight range for my height. I feel like this will be a good point to be at, but I would honestly probably be happy at 145 or even 150. Only time can tell!

30 Day Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 - How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I am 5’4. I am okay with my height. A few more inches wouldn’t hurt, but I’ve never found myself wishing that I was taller.

30 Day Challenge - Day 3

Day 3 - A picture of your thinspiration. What features do you like about this person?

This is me…in 2005. Things I love about this picture and why it’s my thinsperation:

1. It’s me.
2. You can see my neck bones/collarbone
3. My face looks thin - no double chin
4. My arms look great
5. My boobs look nice
6. I am tan
7. I AM THIN!

I find this to be incredibly more inspiring than any picture of some random model/skinny person from a magazine. Am I a size 0 in this picture? No. Do I think I will ever be a size 0? Absolutely not. I use this as inspiration because I know that it is an attainable goal and that I can, if I put my mind to it, look like this again.

30 Day Challenge - Day 4

Day 4 - What are your greatest fears about weight loss?

Naturally, I think my greatest fear is failure. I’ve been down this road before and I have been successful once [a long time ago], but I have also failed in many attempts over the past 6 years. I am thinking and feeling that this time is different. This is the time. Maybe it’s because I realize that I only have one year of school left before I enter the real world. Maybe it’s because in the back of my mind I think that my boyfriend and I might get engaged next year [we’ve been together 7.5 years and we’ve always said engagement/marriage would come after I finished school], and I want to look good and feelcomfortable in any engagement photos and subsequent wedding photos.

I just know that the time to work towards ‘thin’ is now, and I’m in control and making it happen.

30 Day Challenge - Days 5 & 6

I got a little sidetracked this weekend and missed a day - so I’m going to try and get in days 5 & 6 before midnight.

Day 5 - Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?

I really want to lose this weight because I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be able to go out of the house without feeling uncomfortable. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I am absolutely doing this for me.

Day 6 - Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.

Simple answer - no, I don’t binge. I am doing this the healthy way. Even before I was actively working on losing weight, I would eat fattening foods and make unhealthy choices, but I wouldn’t consider anything that I did “binging.”

30 Day Challenge - Days 7&8

Day 7 - Do your parents know you are trying to lose weight? Do they care?

Yes, my parents and most people I talk to know that I am trying to lose weight. I have no shame in telling people that I want to slim down and be happier and healthier. I know that my parents care - they want me to be happy and healthy too. The first time I did Weight Watchers back in high school my mom actually did it with me. Myparents are super supportive and I want to make them proud by slimming down to a healthy and more normal weight.

Day 8 - Your Workout Routine.

I don’t have a workout routine. I’m still trying to get into the swing of things and I have been to the gym a few times but I still need to arrange a regular schedule. I know that exercise is an important part of my weight loss journey, so I’m hoping to get into a routine sometime very soon.

30 Day Challenge - Day 9

So, I have been slacking a little in keeping my blog up to date. This past week was really busy at work, and I just haven’t had a chance to come on here. Because of this, I’m just going to continue my 30 day challenge as if it is still day 9 (even though I missed a bunch in between).

Day 9 - Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

I could probably write a book on this, but I won’t. It all started back in elementary school when I wasn’t even that big - I wasn’t even overweight, but mean little boys began calling me mean names related to my weight. I think one of their favorite names for me was ”earthquake.” Honestly, I let it bother me for a long time but I can say that I’ve gotten over it. There was, however, an incident a few months ago that I have not gotten over. It will probably take a while for me to get past it, but it also continues to be a huge ‘motivation’ factor in my weight loss. I actually blogged about it on my WW blog and titled it “Sticks and Stones” - I’m just going to copy and paste it here:

“Ugh. Where do I even begin. I am a long time WW’er who was once extremely successful on this program and at my goal weight. Enter college, enter college drama, enter law school…I’ve been on and off WW for the past 6 years and right now I am at my highest weight ever.

It’s not hard for me to admit that, and it’s not hard for me to admit that the only person I have to blame is myself. It stings when I find myself having to buy larger clothing instead of smaller, bigger bras, etc. It stings that I no longer feel comfortable in my own body and I refuse to allow people to take pictures of me and I am just generally extremely unhappy. I have conversations with my mom about how I know what I need to do - and I do - I have all the tools, I know the program, and I know how to follow it. I’ve just had a hard time getting back on the wagon - after having such an easy time losing the first time I was on WW, I haven’t everbeen able to achieve the same success.

After all this I don’t think I’ve ever had that ‘all time low’ feeling. I though I had, but I can honestly say that tonight was my all time low.

My boyfriend is a hockey player and he’s injured right now but we still went to the game to support his team. Now, mind you, this is an adult men’s league (not the NHL ha). There were some fans for the other team that were being incredibly obnoxious and yelling and saying that the refs were blowing the game etc. etc. Then, one girl said something like “You’re a grown man shut your mouth” to one of the refs. So, of course I, against my better judgment, decided to say “Well, you’re a grown woman, so you’re just as bad as he is..” Maybe I brought it on myself and maybe I deserved it, but when she turned around and called me a fat ass, I think it was the worst feeling in the world.

So as my blog name suggests, I really can’t agree that words will never hurt me. I think that words are the most hurtful thing in the world, and I think I need to really start rethinking my goals and try to figure this out. I need to stop making excuses, I need to start following the plan instead of pretending, I need to go back to themeetings and I need to do it for myself and my integrity and to ensure that I don’t allow another stupid girl to make me feel like total and complete garbage.”

It’s been a few months since I wrote that post, and I can’t believe how different my world is now. I did go back to the meetings, I did get back on track and I have been more successful on the program now than I have been in 6 years. Granted, I still have a long way to go, but I have lost weight every week and I am following the plan, tracking points and feeling better about myself and my choices. So, Day 9, yes, people have made comments to me about my weight, but I am well on my way to changing that. Hey, maybe one day someone will tell me I look skinny…

30 Day Challenge - Day 11

Woo! I’m actually posting for two consecutive days.

Day 11 - What is your favorite “thinspiration” blog and why?

I’m going to be vain and say that my favorite thinspiration blog is my own. I find that having the opportunity to come and write about my feelings, my struggles, my thoughts and my goals is incredibly helpful for my WLJ. In the past, I have started and stopped a few blogs pertaining to my weight loss, and I feel that if I had been invested in those blogs as I am in this one, my WLJ might have been different and more successful.

And now, a history of my “journies” with journals and blogs…When I was younger, I had a mini black binder that I used as a “journal.” I think I started writing in it in middle school. I wrote about everything - fights with my parents, fights with my friends, happy days, sad days, etc. I used that little black binder well into high school. It became a close friend when I started dating Darryl - especially since my parents were against our relationship and didn’t let us see each other for the first four months of it (that’s a whole other blog post - needless to say, we have been together for over seven and a half years and I’m pretty sure my parents like him more than me now..). A few years ago I stumbled on my little black binder - read it cover to cover, and then destroyed all the entries except for the final entry where I declared that I was finally writing about something happy and positive. At that moment, I decided that my past is my past and it lives in my memory. I didn’t need a little black binder full of negativity in my life, so I destroyed it.

I’ve always loved to write and I know I need to have a blog to keep me motivated, but I try (and I think I have been successful) to only write entries that are either entirely positive or, at the very least, end on a positive note. It is important to recognize the negative things, but it is even more important not to dwell on that negativity and, instead, to look for a positive solution or thought to end the post. It brings me back to my days working as a head resident assistant where we were constantly told to approach problems with the RAs that we supervised by using a “compliment sandwich.” Basically, this means opening the conversation with something positive that the RA does, then giving the criticism, and ending with a positive way to reach a solution and/or another positive aspect of their abilities. This way, the RA would know what needed work, but wouldn’t be left with a sour taste in his/her mouth. I feel like I need to approach my blog and my weight loss the same way. Constant negativity is not going to be effective for me.

In addition to my little black binder, I also had a live journal. That journal still lives in the interwebs, and every now and then I log on to see what my life was like during my early years of high school. It’s fun to laugh at the things that worried me and see how silly some of the things I did were. One of these days I will probably delete that journal and store those memories in a filing cabinet in my brain, just like I’ve stored that little black binder.

Keep On Keeping On

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Today was a good day. I’ve felt so much more “into” WW this time around. It’s a little hard right now to reach my daily points target, but I get there and I do so healthily. [I don’t cram candy bars to make up the extra points! I drink milk or have a healthy snack to help reach that goal] I didn’t go to the gym today…there is too much stuff that I need to do around the apartment so I chose to do it tonight. I also want to try the whole going to the gym in the morning thing. I have a hard time waking up until the last possible moment that I can get up without being late, but I think I need to build gym time into it so that I don’t have to make time to go to the gym when I get home after 7pm.

I’m so inspired by some of the women I see on the WW Boards as well as on tumblr. The healthy weight loss blogs blow my mind and the WWers offer a source of continued therapy. I love my WW meeting on Sundays, but I used to feel so great right after the meeting and motivated but the motivation would wear off quickly. Having the boards as a tool and now my blog as a tool really helps keep me aware of the fact that I am on a new path to healthy.

I really don’t have much else on my mind right now, sorry for the boring blog post. Perhaps I will come up with something else later and add another entry. Thinking thin thoughts. :)

Never give up on a dream because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway...

It's All About ME

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Today I was selfish.

Darryl was defrosting steaks for dinner but I was planning on going to the gym when I got home from work since I didn’t go this morning. This is my first day easing back into exercise and I didn’t want to let myself down. So I told Darryl that when I got home from work at 7:00 I was going to change and go to the gym for a half hour. I told him that he could eat his steak without me or he could wait. In the past I would have probably said “Well, I shouldn’t make Darryl wait to eat so I’ll just eat when I get home from work and skip the gym.” I need to be selfish if I want my weight loss journey to work. I need to think about my needs and my goals in order to keep myself on track.

I thought about starting “Couch to 5K” today but I decided that I need to get myself back into some kind of workout routine/some kind of better shape before I start tackling all that running. Even when I was thin I despised running, so I think jumping right into it [even though I should theoretically be able to jump in since it’s called couch to 5k] would be a bad idea. I need to let my body adjust to the extra activity and motivate myself to hit the gym before I think about starting a program. I guess I just don’t want to ‘fail,’ so I will wait to start. We’ll see what working out does for my WI on Sunday and then I will decide if I should start C25K next Monday.

I started following a few new blogs today and gained a few followers myself. While I am happy that there are so many people who are dedicated to making a change in their lives and who are on the road to healthy weight-loss, I was astounded by the number of blogs dedicated to, seemingly, anorexia. Girls that are completely obsessed with bone-thin pictures and dedicating their lives to becoming bone thin. Now, I am not a psychologist and I don’t know the circumstances surrounding anyone else’s weight loss journey except for my own, but I feel like the point where a diet turns into an obsession and then from an obsession into a disease is a thin line that way too many people are crossing. It’s scary that much of this obsession likely has to do with the media image that is presented to us…but that’s a whole other topic that I’m not ready to breach.

I’m not trying to be mean or trying to dictate what other people should do, but I am legitimately sad and scared for all the girls and women who are so obsessed with becoming rail thin that they will do literally anything to get there. I have a close family friend who “suffered” [I use the quotes because, technically, she will always be battling this disease] from anorexia and she nearly died. I know I can’t prevent it, but I don’t like the thought of anyone else going through that.

Ok, I’ll step off my soap box now.

I think I am going to start tracking my measurements along with my weight loss so that I can [hopefully] see the inches change even if the scale is slow moving. I think I will start tonight and then measure every two weeks. I think I will also take a photo before measuring every week and keep that for my own personal visual reference of my shrinking body. I will try to wear the same outfit in every photo so I can see how the clothes begin to fit differently. Maybe one day, when my WLJ is nearing completion, I will post the pictures for others to see. Now this is another goal for me: be thin enough to show the world what I used to look like and how my body has changed. Ready, GO!