I Run...

I run my life, or is it running me? Run from my past, I run too fast; or too slow it seems...

Oh, hello. So, in lieu of lying to my blog (and ultimately, to myself), I will admit that I did not, as I had planned, return to Weight Watchers the Sunday after my exams ended...or the Sunday after that. Ah, life. I guess this is where I add my excuses (the first Sunday was make-up Mother's Day brunch with my mom and sister since I missed the real Mother's Day during finals; the second Sunday was an unexpected rescheduled haircut for my puppy Stanley - which gets done by a groomer in a van at my parents house after their dog Rusty gets his cut). Excuses, yes. However, I have none left.

After finals ended I got into this mood where I just wanted to eat all the bad things I hadn't eaten in a while. Now, though, I'm ready to embark on this journey. I have my cookbooks ready and I need to sit down and pick out recipes and shop for the ingredients. I need to commit to working out. I even have a plan for the gym - I want to do 5 minutes on the elliptical, 5 minutes on the treadmill (probably altering between walking/jogging/running) and 5 minutes on a stationary bike. Repeat. I feel that this will be less boring (I get so bored trying to use the elliptical for 25 minutes straight), and will keep my muscles guessing for what's coming next. I'd like to try to get into a schedule with Darryl so that we can go to the gym together, even though he doesn't particularly need to work out. I think if I asked him to come with me he would.

Tonight I tried Zumba on my Wii for the first time. It was fun - a bit hard, but I didn't care that I was dancing around like a fool and probably doing half the steps wrong. The point was that I was moving. I definitely can only do Zumba when Darryl isn't around - I don't need anyone else seeing my spastic movements (unless I somehow become a Zumba master). I need to try to continue on a good pattern. I also need to stop caring what other people might think of me if I go to the gym in the morning. I'm pretty sure they aren't going to be staring at my unkempt hair and make-up less face. I think that trying to fit the gym in in the morning is going to be my best option because I'm tired when I get home from work and I also need to make dinner and make sure that I'm not eating too late.

I'm really in the mood for fruit now, but all I have is bananas. I already ate one with a little bit of peanut butter which was delicious. I also filled Stanley's kong with peanut butter, which made his very happy. I just remembered that the supermarket across the street from where I work has recently closed - major bummer. I was going to go and buy some fruit for work tomorrow during lunch but that won't work. Maybe I will try and get up early and stop at a different supermarket on the way into work...that could work.

This entry is stream of consciousness at its best. Maybe once I start cooking my dinners/meals I will take pictures and post them so that I have something to document as I go. There are a ton of recipes that I want to try out; I just need to figure out a way to store extras or to cater the recipes for one or two people (depending on if it's something Darryl will eat).

If you don't know the lyrics that I posted at the beginning of this post, I suggest you download "I Run to You" by Lady Antebellum. It's a fantastic song. Another country song about running is "If I Run" which is a GORGEOUS song by the Harters. Please really listen to the words of these songs - so meaningful.

Music, especially country music, keeps me sane....

One More Time

I can't believe I'm back here again. Back in this position. Back somewhere that I want to get away from and never return to. I've spent too many years saying "this is the year," and "this is the time." I've never actually held myself accountable and actually committed to this being the year or the time. I need this to be the beginning of the end. I need to set that goal, and I need to get there. For myself, for my sanity, for my health, for my life.

So, this Sunday, two days after my last final exam of my second year of law school, I will return to my Weight Watchers meeting and I will make a commitment to myself to spend time and energy on myself this summer. No more excuses. No more cheating. No more lying to myself. I've had enough. I am 24 years old - I should be having the happiest years of my life. I have a great boyfriend, an amazing puppy, and my life should be good. I'm not happy. I'm fat. I don't allow people to take pictures of me - I live in the past. I find pictures of myself from six years ago and pretend that I still look like that. I pretend that I am still that happy person with that happy life, but I'm not. I haven't been that person in a long time. I would love to be that person again.

I think that I need to stop looking so far into the future and I need to take small and slow steps. I need to set small goals instead of big ones and I need to work one day at a time. My overall goal for this summer is to lose 30 pounds, but I need to take it one day and one pound at a time. I think that if I stick to this, if I work out, if I eat right, if I avoid the temptations and remind myself that I need to do this for me, I think that I will be able to do it. I think that I can reach my first goal and then be ready for my second goal and I know that I will be a much happier person.

As of right now I don't have a plan for this blog. I always read how people say that blogging was a huge aspect of motivation and success in their weight loss journey. I don't know if I have that much to say about it. I don't know if I'm going to find some fantastic insight within my soul that I just must share with other people. I also don't imagine many people will even read this. So, for now, this will be for me and if I need to vent, yell, cry, or talk, this is where I'll do it.

Here's to hoping...