I'm Angry at Myself

So much has happened since the last time that I posted here. For one thing, I had an AMAZING vacation to Florida. However, my WLJ has completely derailed since then. I finished the semester generally maintaining my weight and I was only up about 8 pounds at the end of May. Not ideal, but do-able. I had so much going on - final exams, graduation, apartment hunting, and beginning my studies for the bar exam. WW went completely out the window.

I went back to WW last Sunday. I hung my head in shame and walked into the meeting center. It was such a sad feeling for me because I love WW. I love my WW leader and I love going to WW meetings. But I hadn't been able to bring myself to attend one since the week after Easter. Even then, I didn't weigh in, my leader wasn't there that week and I left feeling deflated. So, the past few months have just been a big mess. I've not been watching what I'm eating and I do NO ACTIVITY because I am studying for the Bar Exam (which is in less than three weeks, I might add...stress city!). I am weighing in tomorrow. I'm going to tell the receptionist to just record the weight and not let me know what I already know - I am up nearly 20 pounds since I left for vacation the first week in March. How gross is that? How did I let that happen? Not only have I taken a HUGE step backwards, I am no where near where I wanted to be when I started this journey last year.

Listen, I know it's NOT the end of the world and that I CAN and WILL get all this weight off and then some, but it's just so...annoying. I hate playing the pity game but I get so frustrated seeing all the women who are thin and perfect and comfortable. Here I sit at 25 years old and I'm miserable. I hate tying my weight to my self worth, but I would love to be able to pick out an outfit and not have to base my decision on what will cover my imperfections and what will slim me down and what will cover this and hide that and whether the stomach area is flowy enough or whether the pants (I don't wear shorts) look nice enough. I know, even when (not if) I get to my goal weight, I might still have insecurities and I might still compare myself to others, but at least I will always have the reminder of what it feels like to be this big and how I feel right now. I will not feel this way when I am 135 pounds. And if I do, I want someone to either slap some sense into me, or encourage me to see a therapist!

Anyway, I am happy that I had the courage to come here and confess to my blog that I have gone in a direction that I didn't want to go. I am seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen since SEPTEMBER (this is not a good thing) and that I need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start trucking back in the right direction. It's going to be a hard hill to climb, but I know I can do it. 

Confession

I didn't go to my weigh in today. It was the first weigh-in since I re-committed on May 29 that I have intentionally skipped. I actually feel really bad about it.

This week was going well - I was actually down (in weight) for most of the week (I weigh myself daily - I'll write another post on that another day), but mid-week my lovely wonderful friend TOM decided to show up. For those that don't know, TOM = Time Of the Month. I've previously had no issues losing weight when TOM came because I would get TOM on Sundays, after weighing in. My TOM bloat usually shows up around days 3/4, which meant that this week, TOM bloat was in full effect yesterday/today. I'm frustrated. The 190s are taking forever for me to get through and I feel like I haven't seen nearly as much movement in the scale as I want/need to see.

I think I need to go back to the basics. I'm going to try and commit hard this week, especially since I won't be at my weigh-in again next Sunday since Darryl and I are leaving for Florida on Friday night. The plan for Florida is to not deprive myself, but to try VERY HARD to get up and run at LEAST three mornings while we are there. I need to come home from vacation and get right back on the wagon if I am going to be where I want to be by graduation. Originally, I wanted to hit my goal of -100 lbs by graduation, but I don't think that's realistic anymore. Besides, I need to do this right. I need it to be slow but sure and I need to get there in a way that will be conducive to keeping the weight off.

Alright, I needed to get some of that out before bed - but now I'm tired. Goodnight all. Let me know your best tips/tricks to beating a small slump!

Move - Complete

I have successfully moved all of my posts from Tumblr over to blogger.

It was actually a lot of fun reading my posts from 8 months ago and seeing the mindset I was in when I first started this journey. I know I still have a long way to go, but I am so proud of myself for how far I have come.

So, welcome to my blog. I hope to continue to write my feelings about my WLJ and keep everyone who cares updated about my life and my triumphs and struggles.

Commitment leads to action. Action brings your dreams closer.

Update

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

I have, been doing VERY well with my weight loss. I am down almost 10 pounds and I am incredibly proud of myself because I have lost weight EVERY week - and it has been over 1 pound each time. This is the first time on WW since my first time in 2005 that I have been so consistently successful on the program. I need to stick with it, add some more exercise and continue losing the weight. I KNOW that I can do it this time!!

I really haven’t given anything up completely - that is the beauty of WW. Sure, I haven’t had Papa John’s pizza and I don’t buy Nutella anymore, but that’s because I have found other things that are more satisfying for the PointsPlus value of the aforementioned items. I feel that I am just making wiser decisions and snacking on fruits and veggies instead of a pint of ice cream. I’ve even started buying Snickers Ice Cream bars because they are only 1 P+ more than the very similar WW ice cream bars - it really all depends on choice and, as my WW leader says “Whatever works for me, for now.”

Heavy Monday

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

I felt the need to post something that’s weighing heavily on my mind.

On Saturday, my cousin got married. My family wasn’t invited. Now, I’m not really surprised that we weren’t invited, but the whole weekend just conjured up all these feelings of sadness. Here’s the back-story: My dad and his brother were probably as close as brothers get. They grew up causing trouble together and then working at the family business. Eventually, they knew, the business would be theirs and they would be partners in crime (and in business) for the rest of their lives. They’d get to spend every day together, pissing each other off but having fun all at the same time. Supporting their families and growing old together. Then, 14 years ago, my dad’s brother, my uncle, died unexpectedly. And the world came crashing down.

After my uncle died, my dad was a different person. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still the amazing daddy that I always knew him as, but a piece of him was missing and there will forever be a little less light in his eyes and a pain that you will always be able to see. It makes me sad knowing that, now, instead of owning the business with his brother, my father owns the business by himself. He hates going to work everyday. Maybe it would still be the same even if my uncle was still around, but I have a feeling the hard times would be a little less hard if they had each other to lean on.

So, my uncle has two children - a boy and a girl. Before his death our families were generally close. They lived in a development across the street from ours and my dad and I often took bike rides over to their house. Every Sunday, without fail, my uncle would knock on our back door and tell my dad to get his ass outside for them to embark on some crazy project. These are the things that I remember vividly. What I don’t remember as clearly, is when/how the relationship between my family and his went completely downhill following his death. All I know is that within two years, his wife was remarried and had moved the family across town to some new nice big house. Thus, we rarely saw my cousins anymore. Apparently my boy cousin thought that my dad should have done something differently. Sometime within the past 5 years he told my dad that he was basically a horrible person and should have been there for him when his father died. Like I said, I don’t really remember what my dad was like directly following his brother’s death. I do remember him crying more often and acting like he was in a daze, and I do remember him going over to my uncles house and helping get various things in order - selling his brother's car, etc. However, I have a feeling that a lot of the separation was due to my cousin’s mother pushing my family away. She got remarried so quickly and moved clear across town and really stopped communicating with us all together. Additionally, I don’t think my cousin really realizes the magnitude of impact that my uncle’s death had on my father. He lost his very best friend in the entire world. Someone he grew up with, spent countless hours with and who he thought was going to be around until they had a chance to grow old and gray. Yes, my cousin lost his father and I cannot imagine how horrible that feeling is, but I think he was a little selfish to think that he was the only one going through a hard time and that he was so young so the events might not have developed the way he thought that they did. Who knows, I just know that the conversation between my cousin and my father basically sealed the deal for our families to stop communicating completely. I have not seen my cousins in a long long time.

That brings me back to this weekend. My cousin got married and we weren’t invited. My cousin’s wife posted a video that a friend compiled for her and I damn near lost it. The video has a few pictures of my cousin with his father and it really just makes me so sad. I sat a cried for a bit this morning, wondering how different all our lives might be if my uncle was still alive. I was only in 4th grade when he died, and I know I was the one who knew him for the least amount of time, and I am I so jealous of all the people who got to spend more years with him. I feel sad for my father, I feel sad for my cousins and I feel sad for my family. I wish he could be around today - I wish he could have been around to watch his son walk down the aisle. I wish we all could have been together to celebrate it as a happy family - the way that my uncle and father always thought their lives would be…

I’m sorry for posting such a heavy post on a Monday morning, but I just needed to get it out and I’m not sure where else or to whom else I could tell this all to.

In loving memory

<3SK<3

5/20/1997

Exercise

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Exercise is my arch-enemy. An evil little bug sitting on my shoulder. I find exercise to be incredibly boring. I plan to go to the gym, I set my alarm for an early enough time to get to the gym, but I find myself hitting the snooze button instead of getting up and going. I sleep in my gym clothes, I tell myself I NEED to exercise if I want to be successful (I actually got semi-into working out the second time I lost weight on WW, but I have no idea how/why I liked it then and hate it now.) I love riding my bike with my Dad, but I don’t live at home anymore. I love swimming, but I will not put a bathing suit on when there are other people around. Every Sunday my family has family friends over at my parents house where everyone swims and hangs out. I sit out of the swimming part. If it wasn’t such a schlep to my parents house, I’d go over on week nights and swim laps. I know what I want to do at the gym, it’s just getting the motivation to actually walk my ass down to the 2nd floor gym that just seems to be impossible.

So, what do you use for motivation to go to the gym? What tips can you give me?

Pardon My Language

ORIGINALLY POSTED TO TUMBLR - 8 MONTHS AGO

Looking back at pictures from when I lost weight senior year of high school and comparing them to the [very few] pictures I have of me now is fucking depressing. How the fuck did I let myself get here? What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously, I should have just taped my mouth shut. It’s disgusting. I thought I was FAT when I was 145 pounds, now, I would KILL to be 145. Ugh. Just ugh.

In the past, I would start WW, realize how long it was going to take and how hard it is to take it week by week and understand that even the smallest losses were still losses, and then i would quit. This time, I need to make it stick. Repeat after me: A loss is a loss. I will likely not lose weight every week. THIS IS OK. It’s a marathon, not a race. Most importantly: YOU CAN DO IT, YOU WILL DO IT.

I’m not sure what really brought that on…I really think it’s just the looking at the pictures from when I was thin and my continued frustration with myself for letting my body grow and grow and grow. I’ve been doing well with putting these thoughts behind me and focusing on the here and now and the future, but sometimes the little thoughts creep back into my head where I can’t see myself as anything but a complete failure in terms of taking care of my body.

I’m not going to use this as a place to sit and write down everything I ate today [I use my WW Points + Tracker for that] and I’m not going to re-blog pictures of skinny girls because I don’t find that inspiring. I don’t mind if you find that inspiring, it’s just not my thing. I’m never going to look like them - everyone’s body is different.

I just want to look like me…95 pounds thinner. Is that so much to ask?